


The Truth Hurts

by tomarkexists



Category: Blink-182
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-27
Updated: 2013-10-27
Packaged: 2017-12-30 15:01:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1020076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomarkexists/pseuds/tomarkexists
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You were alone. Not physically alone, but mentally alone. Your wife is sleeping beside you. Or maybe she is pretending to sleep, you do not know. You looked at her, at her closed tired eyes, and wondered what went wrong. Why the spark between you and her just dissipated into nothingness.</p><p>Nothingness.</p><p>You feel that a lot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Truth Hurts

**Author's Note:**

> I deeply regretted writing this.

You were alone. Not physically alone, but mentally alone. Your wife is sleeping beside you. Or maybe she is pretending to sleep, you do not know. You looked at her, at her closed tired eyes, and wondered what went wrong. Why the spark between you and her just dissipated into nothingness.

Nothingness.

You feel that a lot.

You know she has been trying, trying so hard to make it work. And you have been pushing her away every time she tried. You still love her, you really do, but something is not right. You stared at the ceiling fan, watching it spun around and around. You sighed loudly, sleep eluding you. You pushed your long bangs out of your face, and while you did, you noticed your tattoos on your left arm. Your self-mutilation. Every single one has a story behind it and if you follow them, it would all end up to the same person. The person who has haunted you your whole existence.

You tried sitting up, determined to push him out of your thoughts. But the more you tried, the harder he fought to creep into your peaceful life.

Your throat felt dry. Maybe a glass of water will do you good. You got out of the bed, quietly, so as to not wake your estranged wife up. You walked down the hallway, feeling the cold wooden floor beneath you. You passed your children’s bedroom and could not resist checking into their rooms. You slowly opened a door, smiling slightly at your sleeping daughter. She reminded you so much of yourself. You closed the door and opened the next one to see your son sprawled on his bed. Your love for your children was admirable. You love them dearly and want nothing but the best for them. Maybe that’s why you stayed in this stale marriage. You cursed yourself for ultimately acting out the song you written many years ago.

Stay together for the kids. Your kids.

Because you never want to see them hurt. You never want them to go through what you had been through. But why is this getting more difficult every passing day? You have accepted your faith, and so has she. You never fought, never argued with her. You just stopped talking. You stopped talking about the things that matters. Your life has become a shell where you fill the role of a good husband. Everybody still thinks that you are Tom, the lucky man with the beautiful marriage with a beautiful woman. Yet, you don’t remember the last time you touched her, felt her, hugged her, kissed her. You don’t remember the last time you told her how beautiful she is. She is, indeed still beautiful, but the words feel wrong on your tongue.

You closed the door, leaving your son to his innocent slumber. You walked to the kitchen and filled an empty glass with the tap water. You took a sip, tasting the nothingness of it.

Nothingness.

That’s how you feel even after he walked back into your life. You gave yourself to him, hoping that one day, it will be like how it used to be. But it’s been three years and nothing has changed. Though you can now talk to him and you finally get to be around him, though both of you had apologised for every silly mistake, you still feel the same emptiness you felt like those long dark years. Even though you are friends again, you cannot shake the feeling that he is still not with you. Not entirely.

You put the glass down and suddenly had a revelation. You suddenly knew why you had let your married crumbled down. You suddenly knew why you could not make any music lately, could barely put words to paper, or even strummed a chord. You suddenly knew why you have felt nothingness recently.

It is because of him.

It is because you have realised that you still am very much in love with him. That teenage crush that you fought so hard to forget has manifested into something bigger, something you could no longer control.

It is because you realised that he doesn’t share the same feelings for you, and probably never will.

You could feel your knees weakening, so you steadied yourself against the kitchen bench. Your fingers began to tremble and your whole body started shaking. The truth that you have been trying so hard to conceal has finally presented itself to you, and you don’t like it. You don’t like it at all.

You could feel the lump growing in your throat and the tears falling freely down your face. You beat yourself up for crying about such a silly matter in the middle of the night. But it never was a silly matter. You knew that.

You fell to the ground and wrapped your arms around your legs, hoping to find comfort. It felt like eternity on the floor, trying to clam yourself down. When you finally did, you felt numb. You knew what to do. You knew how to stop this never ending limbo of you fighting with your true feelings.

You went to your children’s rooms for the last time. You gave each of your little angels a kiss on their foreheads, hoping that one day they will forgive you. Forgive you for not entirely being there for them, for not being the best father. You really wanted to convince yourself that they are your biggest achievement but you knew you would be lying to yourself. Your biggest achievement is, and always will be, him.

You entered your own room that felt so foreign by now. You sat on the edge of your bed and looked at your beautiful wife. You managed to whisper to her that you are sorry. You are sorry. Sorry for dragging her into your mess.

You grabbed your phone, a jacket and your car keys. You made your way to your car, your body moving like its on auto-pilot. Like it knew exactly what you wanted to do, need to do.

You got in the car and started driving. There was no one on the roads. You are alone. You are always alone. The drive was quiet, peaceful almost. However, your mind was going on overdrive as you tried to remember every single moment you spent with him. The first times, and the last times. The good times, and the bad times.

You ended on the cliff, your cliff. It used to be yours and his, but things changed. And you finally realised tonight that it will never be the same again. You had led yourself on all these years that things will be the same again, ever since you left that room, leaving him and yourself behind.

You climbed over the fence, walked to the edge of the cliff and sat down on the stable ground, your legs hanged precariously at the edge. Your mind went blank for an instant.

Nothingness.

You don’t want to feel nothingness. You want to feel alive again. And there’s only one person who can do that.

You reached into your pockets, pulling out your phone. You dialled the number you had memorised. You hear it rung and rung before he finally picked up.

“Hello, Mark’s speaking,” his familiar voice soothe you and you can feel yourself being freed.

“Mark? This is Tom,” your voice was quiet, nearly an audible whisper.

“Tom? Hey, how are you dude?” his blatant ignorance was ironic. It is the reason why you were even in this state. But he is not to be blamed. You are.

“Not so good…” you told him honestly. Maybe the most honest thing you had told him ever since everything was good again.

“What’s wrong man?” he sounded genuinely concerned, which made this even harder. But you have to do it. You are sick, and tired. Especially tired.

“Everything’s wrong,” you felt those words you had been trying to scream for the past few months falling out of your lips. “My marriage, my life … you. I can’t do this anymore”

“What are you talking about Tom? You are not doing this to me again, are you?” those words hurt you, reminding you of your biggest mistake, but you knew this was better for him. For you.

“You don’t understand Mark. You never will. I am so sick of waiting for you to understand, for you to open your eyes. You are never with me. I want you back, but you won’t allow it,” he did not respond, probably stunned by your words, by the truth.

“I miss you Mark. I wish I can reverse time and do this all over again. But I can’t and I need to accept my faith,” you started standing up, feeling empowered by your own words. “I love you. Always have and always will. But you, my friend, will never feel the same way. You don’t need me like I need you. I am drowning and you are the cause of it all. You no longer save me. I’m sorry Mark, but this is goodbye.”

“Wait Tom, stop. What are you doing?” his panic was obvious, scaring you a bit.

“Doing what I feel inside. I will miss you. Will you miss me Mark? I hope you do,” you ended the call.

His voice was ringing in your head. You looked down at the crashing water and took a step forward. You took another step, ignoring the distant urgent voices behind you that you do not recognise. You can feel yourself falling and everything happened too fast, everything is a blur. You close your eyes and his face appeared before you. He was smiling at you, his blue eyes so alive that you feel so light, so carefree.

“I love you too Tom,” he whispered back with a smile. And in that exact moment, you felt alive again. You couldn’t help but smile, the first proper smile you had in months.

You feel pain. And suddenly, nothingness.

Nothingness.

You can feel every problem melting away.

This is your answer. The answer you’ve been searching for. 


End file.
